Feeling of Life

Hey…

Wassup…

Howz Life?

I am fine until the last question is asked to me. Howz life? because I get drown in deeper thoughts of sea on which a tiny boat ponders over it always about whether to lie or say truth, whether to answer it with fake smile or just ignore it with genuine smile, whether to let that question break me further or let it pass silently without giving damn and yes last but not least; whether to open up to bring it out or let it be closed within to make it stay within.

Finally, I am here, before I could say anything, let me gather all my courage pieces shattered all over the floor; let me fake my smile to stay strong; let me make my eyes ready to face it before my heart begin to pour out and mind to shout out.

Life is a Hell lot of Hungry.

When I try to think straight n positive; it eats up my mind and makes a mess inside it.

When I crave for appreciation or valued; it eats up my effort and makes it look like nothing is great about it.

When I wish for being loved; it eats up the feeling I deserve from other person’s heart and mind.

When I need companion; it eats up the time of another person to make me lonely again.

When I want to be cared; it eats up the space near me making no one come near or even think about me.

When I am ready to do something; it eats up my determination to make me feel helpless and good-for-nothing.

When I have peace at home; it eats up shelter above to throw me out in chaos making me homeless.

Life is a Hell lot of Selfish.

The world can talk whenever they can and whenever they want, but vice versa is not an option.

The world is available to me whenever some work has to be done or they need me, but vice versa is never an option.

The world like me or cares me whenever they feel so; but vice versa is damn big no.

The world can take me on a roller-coaster ride of feelings and motives, but vice versa is not at all possible.

And the list goes on… and on... and on… and life bangs harder every time on each move of moments I live in this world.

Life is Hell Lot of Hungry and Selfish and lot more I could say…

Why I am saying so negative and so agitated? I have many such reasons inside and outside. I have many such incidents piling up one upon another. I have many such situations burdening my shoulder heavier than ever. And yes, I have many such heart-breaks making me feel hollow than vacuum itself is within.

Why I am grunting it out now? I have the only option left to take my negative devil out is here; I have only place left to dump out is here. Here I can be fearless, with no regret or guilt within and yes, faceless to grind all my dying feeling.

There is a lot to speak about; there is a lot to express about and there is a lot to live about, but then, I have got no such world built around, I have got no such soul to mingle around and I have got no such feeling to last around for long.

I know you will hate me more by knowing all this about life. I also know you will be thinking about me twice after knowing the sadistic part of me. Still, I am here not only fighting with life but also with the feeling of living it too. Still, I am here not to please you but also to make you subtract me from the vicious circle of life.

I don’t know… What is tearing me apart inside… Why it is being so suffocated within… How it is going to turn out… When will the battle to live or feeling to live will end…

I am tired of living life. I am tired of my identity and crisis. I may be mocked up or may be pulled down; but then I am tired to prove my existence too. Yes, I am complaining. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am upset and above all, Yes, I am sad with myself and life within.  Yes, yes and yes… Screamingly Loud YES…

Expectation

I came here again with yet another expectation; expectation that more and more reader will read this blog, expectation that more and more reader will like this blog, expectation that more and more reader will fall in love with me as a writer again, expectation that more and more reader will have lasting impression after reading my blog.

But, my dear friends; honestly speaking expectation hurts a lot, in fact sometimes it even tears apart my inner soul. The expectation is what you think will happen, making you assume it will happen as perfectly as you imagine but then any slight change or minor deviation, in reality, it hurts your heart deeply leaving the ugliest scar to keep you reminding about consequences.

I am not here for blame-game but the harsh truth is, it's wholly the fault of heart and feeling it has developed over a period of time for near-and-dear ones within.  Yes, the stronger the bonding, the more expectation I have; the closer the relationship, the deeper the expectation is and above all, these more and deeper expectations always have equally proportionate inversely effect by wounding my heart.

You need to trust me as I am not saying all this out of my imagination, but I am saying all this out of my experience; the bitter and harsh ones in my life.

The one I am expecting from family and the one, my family expecting from me which in-turn again makes me expect other few things from them; it hard to know that life reveals bitter truth making me unable to cope up with same. The one I am expecting from my friends, but then they show me real face of their personality which throws up their action and thoughts in reality. The one I am expecting from my love; but then again, life strikes me hard when I came to know that the feeling I knew as true love and the feeling I got to knew as real feeling from my love are very different which my heart cannot grasp nor cannot take it within.

The hardest, harsh and most bitter consequences to bear by my heart and soul is from my love; secondly from family and lastly from friends. And yes, it is true as deeper the relation, I got hit to rock bottom harder with the consequences of unfulfilled expectation

.

Yes, I am been trying to avoid expecting but that is not the natural me or say that is no way god made me. It is not my fault; its how God had made my heart and filled it with a lot of feeling and relationship within. Yes, I am fed up with the not expecting and then fighting against heart for not to expect and then again having battle with mind and heart and then again yelling within so loud that all thoughts within such that it is not heard by my ears or inner soul and yes, more I try to be natural and try to act normal; more I fall into this trap and weigh myself heavier and heavier beyond my limit and capability.

Expectation vs Reality is the harsh truth; I am still learning and yes, it is true I am still trying to cope up with many of such phase. I am not blaming people for disappointing me. I take the blame on myself for expecting too much. It is rightly said by William Shakespear “Expectation is the root of all heartache” and believe me; this heartache is much more painful than heartbreak.

And lastly “Expectation feeds frustration. It is an unhealthy attachment to people, things, and outcomes. I wish I could control, but couldn’t” 

Dream

Dream… Dream is what we all see with closed eyes as well as open eyes; Dream is what we all wish and desire for ourselves as well as for our dear ones; Dream is what makes you feel happy, blissful, special as well as haunted, depressed and upset; Dream is what stays in imagination of mind for a long time as well as disappears like a puff in the air within seconds.

And again yes, dream I see would be different than yours; dream rich people see would be different than lesser rich than poor people; dream which a baby see would be different than that of teenager than that of adult than that of old-age people and it also holds true that dream has its own individuality, its own perception, its own meaning and its own sense of uniqueness to that one person who sees it.

Dream of love, Dream of fame, Dream of money, Dream of being successful, Dream of magic, Dream of fantasy, Dream of being like their idol figure, Dream of future as well as of beautiful past, and yes, while reading this, some might have dream of being a writer too. Each one of us has different dreams at a different phase of life and each dream signifies the importance and priority of phase we are going through in life.

Dreams as we see ourselves in leading newspaper and magazines; Dream as we see to believe miracles shown in movies; Dreams as we see to feel the positive vibes from successful person; Dreams as we see to work for turning into reality; Dreams as we see to imagine having perfect life always; and Dreams as we see travelling the most idealistic journey till end.

There are dreams which you wish to dream again and again every night; there are dreams which make you feel excited to wake up; there are dreams which you makes you work harder; there are dreams which make you believe in yourself; there are dreams which you want to achieve in reality and yes, there is dream of all these dreams always.

I am sure many of you, in fact, all of you including me, yes; is and always sees such dreams for ourselves during daytime or night-time; irrespective of time of our dreams, it is for sure makes us feel best interest in our one life which have only one chance to live on earth.

Again irrespective of dreams you see, point here is to believe in your dreams, be determined to turn your dream into reality, work for your own dream else someone else will make you work for their, you have one life and one chance to fulfill your dream and make it true, you can see heaven in dream as well as can create that heavenly paradise on earth too for yourself.

Dreams are not just imagination; dreams are your inner-instinct, your inner-voice, your wish, your imagination of perfect life, your thought-provoking action, your inspiration and aspiration; above all dream is your destiny.

Remember, to see yourself with open eyes in reality same as you see yourself with closed eyes in dreams; you need to work harder than hardest, stay determined and focused till you make it happen in reality.

Lastly,

“Dream is just not a dream; it is one more life we are living for ourselves”

Letter from Broken Heart

Dear reader,

Every human body has heart and God has created a heart with a lot of care and emotions. One of many of billions of heart around; I am one of them in this human body with various feeling and being a lifeline for human body… Yes, I am Heart.

Today I am here to say something about me and how it feels within, yes within my heart of your heart. I may sound sad and more of upset so I would say sorry well in advance for disturbing you on such lovely day as I came up with thought to write in down and express my feeling here to lighten up my inner-myself. I want you all to know how it feels within when your heart breaks i.e. me; what all goes within me, why does it go within me and how does it go around me.

Everyone has a saturation point and a point of tolerance until then it can stay strong, act strongly; henceforth it can’t bear the consequences of pain induces from within yes, within your body i.e. from me and within me i.e. the heart of me. The intensity of pain is much deeper and much harder inside me than you feel outside. I try to control the level of intensity so that you, a human would feel less and I get all the pain within without releasing much for you.

Yes, I have reached that last point of tolerance within me. I have to take it out but I also have to take care of you too. My heart is getting heavier and heavier with each passing day as the mind of this human body is keeping so many thoughts within which is causing so much burden within me

When I break into pieces; it feels more pricklier than most sharpest thorn in world, it sounds more than a millions of acute clink of any glass shattering noise, it cries loudest with the mightiest strength still sounds so silent outside, it bleeds with the minute deep real cell of true blood but still cannot be seen outside, even my whole part broken down into hundreds of thousands of pieces; my pain and sadness gets multiplied proportionate to number of pieces but still cannot be expressed appropriately to outside world.

My every tiny little piece also becomes an individual heart of its own but as we all have to function as a whole collectively for the human body; I try to collect those pieces by pieces and try to mend them together within me again. Sometimes this collecting and mending together take me more than one month or even more than a year; and in some case, it goes on till the end of life. My pace of mending pieces together depends on the mind taking it up and neutralizing, rationalizing and moving on with it.

In my case, honestly, I have no idea what’s ahead? Because I have been shattered so badly and in such a worse state which made mind to completely shut down and I have been receiving no signal from him to go on or making me know, feel, see the outside world. Day by day, in this darkness; even the heart within me is losing its grace, feeling and wish to live more. It’s been so numb that even I myself couldn’t feel my heart within me.

The time it got so severely shattered, I could feel like that I am falling down to infinity space; I could feel like my broken pieces are also being broken into further smaller pieces and its again into tiny pieces and so on till the last particle of me and myself. Now that I am trying to mend together; it seems I will not be able to complete it as a whole within this lifetime as I am not only broken but a heart of mine too been broken. Yes, the hurt is much deeper than deepest I could ever imagine; the pain is much worse than bad I could have ever bear.

This time, mind says me to embrace to infinite sleep and not to get busy in collecting the pieces to mend them together and hoping for life. Even if with my quickest pace, I mend it all together; I won’t able to live life as it was earlier. It’s time to let all my pieces have their own deep feeling and reflect the memories of them; it’s time to let all my tiny pieces to feel heart for themselves; it’s time to let all my broken pieces to cry one more last time and bleed to its last cell of blood; it’s time to let them all embrace the pain till the last cell of them is alive; it’s time to let them all reflect on each other one last time; it’s time to let them all vent out the feeling outside to feel no soul within and yes, now it’s time for all of us to say good-bye forever.

Before I close my feel, my heart and shut down forever; I wish my human body to get lots of love, care, affection and all positive feeling in next birth with a new heart given by God. I wish you all my reader same.

Final Good-bye. Take care and have a lovely life ahead and wish you more in next birth.

Bye

With lots of love and care,

Your Heart

Love or Happiness

Once again, I am just wondering and pondering over what should be most important for me?

To win her love and feel back love

Or

To do anything for her happiness, her dream n all about her of life

My mind is going through many thoughts; like winning her love is giving her happiness too whereas my heart is having vice versa thought; giving her all happiness of life eventually will make you deserve her love too.

I literally for a moment, believed my mind because winning her love is not that easy as I would have to do anything and everything for her and deserve to be loved back by her. But then my heart had hiccup stating that when you expect to be loved back, it’s not real love; it will eventually become selfish love because you will always see what you are getting in return while you are doing so much in love.

For a moment, I then; focused on my heart speech. My heart is very clear; do anything for her happiness of life, do everything for her wish of life and make her believe that her dream will be reality because you will make it happen for her. And yes, don’t expect anything in return; Do all unconditionally, do all gracefully, do all with due respect of your love, do all as if you live life for her life and you feel happy in her happiness.

At one point, my mind is right but then at many points, my heart is far ahead of righteous thoughts.

I can win her love in many ways, but then the expectation of getting back more from her will dilute my trueness of love and purity of soul. Whereas I shall work harder and do anything without any selfish motive in heart for her life, her happiness, her wish, her dream and everything about her will mark my unconditional love for her as true and pure.

Doing everything to win her love might make you win her love but then chances are she might feel that love is not that true and not that pure and love been conditional where she might feel trapped within.

Doing everything to give her all of the happiness, caring, making her feel special, making her feel life as heavenly will eventually make you most deserving person of her love and she will truly love you back with the purest form of soul and that unconditional love will last till eternal.

Love her like no one else could in world

Win her like no one could defeat you in world

Be with her like no one could ever stand strong against you

Care for her like no one could ever come in her mind but you

Live for her like life is only for her and only through her

Die for her like the soul has the sole purpose to feel life only for her.

Do unconditionally

Care unselfishly

Live purely

and

Love truly

#Luv4u